Happily the last day of the year turned out to be a Sunday. Though it was a lazy day with lazy thoughts, my mind is fully equipped with whatever, it is difficult to assess and seems to throw me off the balance. I just decided to strongly ponder upon the facts of this year and answer the question why I am bogged with all this.
Actually the start of the year had nothing fresh to offer me, since I was with the same company and was continuing with the same kind of mechanical drudgery. The challenge at office was not new…because these challenges were due to the insufficiency of the organization rather than my own making. Change was no where in sight and the forces that would give me that change was not evident. Sometimes during July, I got a phone call from a consultant which led me to a change in job. September – my work base had changed. New office had forced a lot of change in to me. Normally I am reclusive, introvert guy and somebody had to force me to talk. Here I became a forced extrovert. The initial two months had not much impact on me as there was not much to do. Then I was asked to travel to Ireland for a knowledge transition, which was during November. The entire month, I was there understanding the client’s way of functioning. Ireland had a lot to offer me. In a way, I understood people here are just like us Indians and whatever were the pre-conceived notions about them had got erased out. I had some lovely friends, who genuinely loved to meet me and extend there relationship as a friend beyond the professional sphere. Like me, they were intrigued about our way of life. They ask me lot of funny questions about Indian way of life. It was surprise to me that outside India, we are looked upon as a great civilization; people respect us. It’s only us who don’t value ourselves. Most of the taxi-drivers I spoke during my long journey had great words to say about Gandhiji and his ideals. Young people talk about peace with the same breath they talk about Gandhian values. Back at Chennai, the environment at office had changed drastically. Like I said I had to move around with people. I had to make friendship with lots of people and came out of my own self-imposed shell. I was asked to led the show for a small set of people. I did lot of talking; making them understand, what I had learnt at Ireland. Everyday there were regular sessions of 4-5 hours. These activities brought forth my capabilities as a teacher. My subject matter was little, since it was related technical skill which people can easily learn. But I did a lot of talking on observing skill, technical problem solving, about life, humor and did my best to the make the sessions an engaging one. It was more interactive and feedback was encouraging to me. This was a good experience to me. I can see the changes happening inside me too.
As of my personal life, sometime during the course of the year, it was on shaky terrain. If I am asked to put in words about what transpired, it would be difficult. The strength of my feeling and emotion will not equate the strength of my words. My behavior was obsessive. I, as a person was strong to the point that I will never let anybody down. My belief in my own word was strong and was committed to each word I utter. I expected the same from each person I interact with. I derived strength from this person not realizing that it is within me. I had shared each moment of life with this person. I was literally giving a running commentary of my life. I never knew that time and situation had anything to do with relationships. I believed that, everybody is a reflection of me. I was wrong on many counts. I was naïve. I was self-destructive. And at last I was disturbing this person to the point that the confession came out that I was a disturbance and my presence in her life was a ‘time-being’. The lesson was that people change and they change for there own good. The lesson was good and I think this doesn’t deserve more words and thoughts.
My son has started uttering wonderful words. My prayer was answered. I wanted him to emulate Dennis ‘the menace’ and now I fear he is much more than that. He reads my mind like Sigmund Freud. He knows what makes me laugh and what makes me shout at him. He knows how to divert me. He knows the timing of each of my action. He knows his smiles will make me strong and whenever I am down, with his little pep talk fires the spirits inside to look ahead into life. At this moment of life, he is my biggest teacher. He gets the things he deserves and works hard towards achieving them. He never retracts from what he wants. He is a go-getter…proactive to the core. He believes that he is his best help.
When I look ahead, New Year is just going to be a change in the date and an addition to the number of year I have spent here. Any amount of resolution on this day will not change me. For me, lessons are learnt then and there and resolutions are set for a life and should not be restricted to this day. Lessons are inherent inside me; some just got dissolved into my blood and some into my heart. Some lessons have conditioned me so much that it got dissolved into my character trait. I am looking forward with excitement, each moment, each minute, each dawn with lots of expectation and positive signs of Life.
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